A Brilliant Mind

I just ate almost an entire pound of cherries. I would have eaten the entire pound, but as I got to the bottom of the bag (yes I ate them right out of the bag, what about it?) I discovered that a good number of them were fuzzy.

Now I feel ill.

But I must run.

(I'm not very smart.)

This reminds me of the time I thought I was invincible because I was running 7-10 miles per day. I could eat anything I wanted. So one morning in December I decided to eat some frosting. Yes, straight out of the tub, what about it? I thought I'd have one or two spoonfuls to satisfy my sweet tooth. But yeah, I might have eaten the entire tub. And then I might have just moseyed on downstairs to the treadmill to run. 10 miles.

At least that was the plan. I actually got through an entire mile before I turned off the treadmill and ran upstairs to curl up in my husband's lap in the fetal position moaning about how I would just feel so much better if he could reach inside me and pull my intestines out and flush them down the toilet. He was quite sympathetic until he discovered the part about the tub of frosting. Then he got quite mean.

I think his comment went something like "what are you, a moron? Who eats a tub of frosting then goes running?"

I was hurt. If I wasn't feeling so horrible I might have actually responded with something other than guttural sobs.

But I can explain!

I have OCD. And I don't just mean I'm neurotic about things. I really truly have OCD. I've been on and off medication for it, and I've been in and out of therapy to learn to deal with it. And to learn to deal with the side effects of the medications that are supposed to suppress it.

An interesting sidenote (since I'm rattling on about my mental illnesses): I also have been diagnosed with ADD. Or I guess ADHD is the correct term these days. I have trouble understanding this. Wouldn't the ADD interfere with the OCD? Aren't they quite the opposite of each other? That's like saying I'm an anorexic who overeats (but doesn't purge). Or something like that. (Which I am, btw. I'm too skinny for my own good. I never eat... Frosting.....)

So I've dismissed the whole ADD thing and just chalk it up to me having a short attention span. So that just leaves me with OCD.

It's not the OCD you're probably used to hearing about. It's quite mild, actually. I don't have any crazy rituals or anything like that. I have my weird things I do, but it's nothing that interferes tremendously with my life. At least I don't think it does. And no, I'm not going to go into details about what I do specifically because it's my blog so I don't have to.

The only time in my life that the OCD has ever actually been convenient is with working out. It could be mistaken for drive. It gets me going. It's just a feeling of obligation, necessity to accomplish. And not because of how I feel afterwards, or what it does for my body, but just so I can say I did. So I don't go more than 2 days in a row with an empty spot on my calendar where I mark my workouts.

But it takes me too far. It makes me run when I have shin splints, bone spurs, muscle soreness, and tubs of frosting or pounds of rotten cherries in my tummy. It sends excuses out the window, makes me late to work if need be, and makes me neglect social commitments or other obligations just to get that run in. In the past, when it was at its worst, it made me overtrain to the point where I was drinking bottles of Diet Coke nonstop during the day for energy since I was unable to sleep and my muscles were practically numb from overuse.

I've tried several different medications for this, and they do help. But they also turn me into a comatose zombie with no emotion and no desire to even move. I would come home from work exhausted and lay on the couch, not caring about anything. At all. I would turn on the television for SB with the hopes that she would watch for a half hour so I could squeeze in a nap. I gained 30 pounds in a year. I couldn't live like that.

Just to give you an idea, many of the OCD medications, at least the ones I tried, are antidepressants. The dosages are just different- they are given at a much higher dose to treat OCD. I was taking 5 pills of one medication that a male friend who is much bigger than I (dosages go by weight, to an extent) was taking 1 pill of, daily.

So I took myself off the meds. I'm still recovering from them even though it's been almost a year. I went from running 7-10 miles a day to not even being able to complete one without stopping. I'm working my way back up. To me, it's the lesser of 2 evils. Maybe I take certain things too seriously now and go against the advice that I would give someone else in my shoes, and spending too long thinking about or doing certain things, but at least I'm in my own mind again.