Whatever It Takes.

So last night's rant about the Spawn of Satan got me thinking about the strange habits of people in my fitness center. Well, that and the fact that one of the most annoying is here now. So I decided to take the time to make fun of discuss some of the bizarre, or just plain old annoying, things people do while here in the Fitness Center.

There's a guy who comes in first thing in the morning. Usually he gets here even before the doors have been unlocked, and I have to let him in. That in and of itself is annoying, in my books. But while he's working out, he raps. Out loud. And he's the scrawniest, tiniest little white boy I've seen in my life. But he's totally gangsta. It's more aggravating than amusing, but he's not the only one who sings out loud to the music bouncing around in his head. There are several people who forget that they're not 1)alone; or 2)trying out for American Idol and sing out loud to their iPod music. But for some reason, this rap guy gets on my nerves the most. I don't need to hear this.

Then there's the Sweaty Moaner. Have I mentioned him before? Nicest guy in the world. And he works out very hard. So hard, in fact, that anything that comes within a 4' radius of him is covered in sweat in a matter of seconds. I understand that naturally, some people sweat more than others. I also have a hunch that he is on some kind of medication, either prescription (antidepressants) or not (thermogenics) that cause excessive sweat. Or all of the above. Because the amount of sweat that penetrates from his body is unnatural. All he needs to do is turn his head and anyone standing in the general vicinity gets a spray. Gross.

But that's not all. In addition to the inhuman amounts of sweat emanating from his body, he also has the obnoxious habit of emitting the most feminine sounds ever to come from a man while he lifts. He tries to lift heavy. Personally, from watching him, I think he's lifting a little too heavy because he doesn't really go through full range of motion, and his form sucks ass. But he's trying. I know a lot of guys here either grunt as they lift, or they exhale forcefully, producing a slightly unnerving hissing sound. As a girl, I don't really get this, but if it's what they need to do to prevent the passing out that would result from them holding their breath as they lifted, then I'm all about it. But the Sweaty Moaner doesn't grunt, he moans.

The first couple of times I heard him, I looked around to see who was getting laid and where. I can't really put into words how this sounds, but whenever I hear it, I immediately expect to hear the sounds of sweaty body parts slamming together, and wait for him to yell out "Oh, GOD, YES!!!!" It's not a sound that any guy should ever make, in the gym or in the bedroom.

There's one guy who talks to himself in the mirror in between sets. I know he's not rapping because he doesn't listen to music as he works out. But in between sets on the machines he'll inch up really close to the mirror, look himself in the eye, and talk quietly to his reflection. I think he's motivating himself and providing himself with positive reinforcement for a job well done. I haven't been lucky enough, or close enough, to actually hear what he's saying. But I'm not completely sure I want to.

One of my least favorite people here is the Slammer. He's an older guy (in his 50's, maybe?) who comes in and slams the weights down once he's finished with each set. Not free weights, where they would only make a dull thud after landing on the padded floor. Oh, no. This guy slams down the weights on the machines. So after he's finished with the leg press, for example, instead of easing the plate back down to the starting position like most normal people, he just lets all tension in his legs go, which results in a loud WHACK, which causes me to jump out of my skin. Every. Single. Time.

Keep in mind that I spent a good part of my career dealing with seniors and high risk populations. I've basically trained myself to, by reflex, jump over the counter at the sound of any loud slamming noise since that usually means someone went down or is pinned under a weight. So I lose about 4 years off of my life every time this guy comes in since I can't seem to get used to it. We've told him before that not only is it bad for the equipment to slam the weight stack down like that, it's also bad on his joints. But he doesn't care. He just nods and moves on to the next exercise.

At some point in his routine, he likes to back himself up against a corner that juts out. Usually, this is the corner adjacent to the door of the group exercise room. He positions himself so that the corner is in line with his butt crack. Then he puts his arms out to the side like he's trying to fly, and proceeds to do squats like that.

Wall squats? I get. They are a great exercise, especially for those with back problems. But I'm not sure why he does it up against a corner. Most people do it against the flat part of the wall. It actually looks painful, especially as he lowers down and his legs bend and (in my mind, as much as I try not to visualize this) open up the crack of his butt more, making him more...vulnerable to the sharp point of the corner.

Weird.

There's plenty more where that came from, but I think I'll save the rest for another post, the next time people's odd habits start getting on my nerves. Stay tuned!