Enter, Restraining Order

So...I have a new obsession.

I am all but physically stalking Augusten Burroughs. Yes, Augusten Burroughs as in Running with Scissors, Dry, Sellevision, Possible Side Effects, Magical Thinking, and most recently, A Wolf at the Table.

To say I'm a fan would be the understatement of the year. I read the first 4 of the books listed above a while ago and was very into his style of writing. His complete and utter devotion to being 100% honest about everything quickly gave him a special place in my heart. I was all about him.

Then I forgot about him. Things got busy with the job, with the kid, with life, and I completely forgot to look out for any new books of his. But then I was at the bookstore last week and I came across Magical Thinking, which I immediatlely purchased and completed within days. Over the weekend I bought A Wolf at the Table, which I am already more than halfway through.

But the best part is that he's approachable. Or stalkable, I should say. He has a facebook page. Which I have spent countless hours perusing. He has his own website, also at the top of my list of recently visited sites on both my home and work computer.

I have a long history of becoming obsessed with people. Rockapella (specifically Scott Leonard...are we married yet?), They Might Be Giants, and more ordinary in-my-everyday-life people than I'd care to admit (unfortunately, I'm still working on the absolute honesty thing, myself).

Scott Leonard is from Indiana, and I have an uncle who lives there. When I was in my teens, my father brought me there to visit him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look up C. Scott Leonard in the phone book, attempt to call, and even go so far as to look up potential cab companies to bring me to him, since I knew my father would not go for that. Luckily I was broke so I had to settle for racking up my uncle's phone bill by prank calling someone who might or might not have been Scott. Or related to him. Or an unfortunate man with the same name who happened to live in Indiana.

When I was in high school I had a huge crush on the guy who sat in front of me in spanish class. His name was Nathan Doll and he was amazing. His mother was from Ecuador and I'm pretty sure his father was a Greek god. He was really tall and had this awesome dark curly hair and these really long long legs that I'd stare at for hours. His quads were like perfect rectangles under his jeans. And the back of his shoulders were...

Ahem...is it hot in here?

Anyway.

So Nathan. Somehow I found out where he lived, and despite his home's location on the opposite side of Cowtown from me, I would drive by his house on a daily basis. Sometimes twice in a day. Good thing I never saw him mowing the lawn with his shirt off or anything or I'd probably drive off the road.

One time I left school for a dentist appointment, and for some reason, couldn't make the entire 3 minute drive from the dentist's office to the school without having to stop to go to the bathroom. So I stopped at the one MacDonald's in Cowtown. As I was leaving the parking lot, I found myself in line behind Nathan. So I did what any normal teenage girl would do with her current infatuation in the car in front of her.

I rear-ended him.

It was gently. He turned around in his seat all pissed off. I smiled and waved and I think I even blew him a kiss. Luckily he recognized me, smiled back and went on his way. I don't think we ever discussed that incident.

So bottom line? Even though Augusten is a gay guy living in New York and I am a heterosexual female living in Baltimore, and both of us are in monogamous relationships, if I should find myself in my car behind his, you better believe I'll be giving the back of his car a love tap with my own.