I have an addictive personality. I've heard people say that before and, more than anything, it kind of annoyed me because I never really understood what it meant. But now I see I am the poster child for it. It's part of the reason I never got into drugs or drinking. When I was younger, I always said it was because I have this fear of substances controlling my mind. I got a lot of weird looks back then. And it's still a fear of mine. I don't like the idea of being drunk, or under the influence of drugs, even over-the-counter stuff, because I feel that I won't be in my own mind. People tell me that alcohol actually removes inhibitions, therefore making you actually more in your own mind because your walls are down. But those are the alcoholics who tell me that.
But a huge reason I've never dabbled in drugs or even gotten drunk is because I'm worried that if I like it, I won't be able to stop. I have zero self control when it comes to certain things. I constantly harass my friends with text messages, emails, phone calls. I just can't leave them alone. If I discover a food I really like (remember the fried egg post?), like my current infatuation: organic pizza bites, I can't limit it. I have to have it all the time. Fried eggs on toast and organic pizza bites actually aren't that bad. But when I was infatuated with Friendly's Fudge Brownie Cyclone? Ohhhh, that wasn't pretty. We're talking 2-3 of these per week. Ugh! My blood was probably sugar water.
Most of the time I can just cope with my addictions. And yes, there are many. But sometimes it gets to me. I get mad at myself for constantly checking my email or having my phone by my side at all times, heaven forbid I miss a call or a text! I've tried to wean myself off certain friends, but find myself unable to do it. I know this all sounds really weird and needy, but it's not like that. It's not like I need anything from them, I just have this burning need to be in constant contact with someone.
I've said before in a post that sometimes the addiction comes in handy. Like when I was addicted to running. I felt weird if I went a day without doing it. And if I didn't get the chance to run, and I was scheduled to run, I'd do it at 9:30pm if need be. I might not have been sleeping very much, but physically I was in the best shape of my life!
But the problem is that I don't know the meaning of the word "moderation." In my mind, if some is good, then more must be better. Or at least feel better. In the short term.
Anyway, there was really no point to this post but to get those thoughts out of my mind. I'm pretty sure this is just how I'm wired and there's really nothing I can do about it. So my friends will just have to be thankful that we're all in the same cell phone network and we all have free in-network texting and phone calls so at least my obsessions don't cost them any money. And they probably get a good laugh every now and then at the off the wall content I send over. I hope.
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