Bmore Bitch

Warning: If you don't want to spend the next few minutes reading a purely selfish and one-sided bitch session written by someone in an incredibly foul mood, do NOT read on.

I'm very pissy right now. It seems that every year, no matter how deeply rooted into the Christmas Spirit I am, people turn into total jerkish morons around this time. Maybe it's from the stress of getting holiday meals together or finding the perfect gift for 73 people at the same time as everyone else and his 47 crackhead uncles are trying to do the exact same thing, I don't know. But people get really mean around this time. I've always said, usually in a brilliantly poetic and insightful way, that people individually are wonderful; people en masse are jerks. This theory proves to be the understatement of the year around this time. And all the jerks seem to be finding me lately.

From the morons who stole our string of 8" lighted plastic Santas and our little 3' plastic Frosty out of our own front yard to the jerkwad who decided to make a s-l-o-w left turn out of a driveway, beginning the procedure just as I was approaching, completely taking away my right-of-way, almost causing an accident that I was completely willing to get into, given the state of mind I'm currently in, people are pissing the hell out of me left and right.

I brought SB to the mall today because I needed a calendar, specifically one of those "Mommy" ones with the little pocket in the front to hold coupons and invitations and stuff. As we were getting onto the escalator, SB froze and refused to jump up onto it. I had her hand, and was calmly counting to three, when I would pull her forward with me. If she thinks about it too much, it stresses her out. She needs to just go for it. I was just between 2 and 3 when some little Asian woman plunged ahead of us with her toddler son. She counted to three - much faster than I did - and jumped right in front of us. Let me reiterate. I wasn't dawdling. I wasn't even saying "One mississippi, Two mississippi..." I was going fast. But apparently this lady was in so much of a rush that she needed to elbow her way in front of a freaking 3-year old who was a little intimidated by the escalator. So we get on a step and the woman turns around and smiles at me like what she did was the cutest thing ever. I glared. I don't do it much, but when I want to, I can glare a bitch down.

SB was uncharacteristically well-behaved at the mall, so when, as we were leaving, she announced that she was hungry, I agreed to get her a meal from Chik Fila. So we stood in line. As we were standing in line, the one line suddenly became 2 and 2 people who were not there when I entered the line were suddenly in front of me. I am sooooo non-confrontational so I just figured that no one really realized what was happening. My turn came and an older lady walked up to the register. As she walked up, she glanced at me and paused. Like she wasn't sure if she was ahead of me. Being the nice moron that I am, I explained to her that I wasn't sure if there was one line or two. She shrugged and went to the register and placed her order. Instead of letting the nice girl with the kid WHO HAD BEEN IN LINE BEFORE SHE EVEN WALKED UP go ahead of her. Nice.

So I waited behind the grandmother with the cell phone attached to her ear. After a few moments, it became apparent to me that I wasn't going to get food. By now 4 people had somehow gotten their meals before me, who walked up after I entered the line. Irritated, I left. Which, of course, set off SB and we exited the mall with her face crumpled, lower lip sticking out, and screaming "I'm hungry." Nice.

I felt horrible but I just couldn't stand it anymore. She announced on the way home that she wanted McDonald's so I was more than happy to not get Chik Fila on the way home. I ordered her 4-piece nugget meal and got home to find that they neglected to include the nuggets.

So that's how my life's been lately. Just incident like that after incident. But it's not just strangers who are getting on my last nerves. My friends are turning into annoying barnacle heads too.

One friend texts me every single freaking week with the same text. Hi. How's everything? It sounds innocent enough, but believe me, it gets old, fast. Like he's checking in on me. What am I, his mom? And who says hi on a text message? Can't he just trust that if there's something worth saying to him, I'll let him know?

And the lady whose son I teach piano lessons to, she's been annoying me too. I'm telling you, I've been walking around with a freaking rain cloud right over me. Every week, I hear "I'm so tired." Tired? She works 8-4, Monday-Friday. She has one son, who is 15. He recently joined the swimming team at school, before then he had no extracurricular activities that I was aware of except baseball in the summer. My friend is not a member of any club, doesn't do any volunteer work, and doesn't even work out consistenty. Her social life isn't crazy. What the F is making her so stressed out and tired all the time? I can't tell you how irritating it is to hear that when you're the mother of a "high maintenance" newborn who doesn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time while finishing up your graduate degree and waking up at 6am every morning to work out before work. Or now getting up at 4am. Arrrrgh!

And she didn't show up for her lesson this weekend, but called 3 hours later to cancel. Nice.

And finally, my mother, who never fails to irritate the crap out of me, no matter what kind of a mood I'm in, tops it all off with the following conversation yesterday:

TB: You're going to be a grandmother again, BM's pregnant.

First she stared at me for about 2 minutes as if I had spoken to her in Chinese.

Mom: Congratulations...I guess.

Me: You guess?

Mom: Well aren't your hands full right now? I thought you were going to wait longer.

Me: SB's going to turn 4 one month after this baby's born and TB is already 41. How much longer did you think we should wait?

Mom: Well...I don't want you to tell me the sex until it's born.

Me: Well we're finding out. I won't tell you but I can't guarantee you won't find that out.

Mom: When are you due?

Me: Mid-August.

Mom: Well just make sure she's not born on the 1st, 5th, or 11th. (Birthdays of her, her sister, and my brother, respectively).

Me: I'm not sure I'll have much say in that.

Mom: If she's born at the end of August, she'll be a Virgo(making a yucky face). You don't need a Virgo in your house. (My father's a Virgo, they are divorced. Probably because of conversations similar to this one.)

Me: I said mid-August. But again, I probably won't have much say in that.

Mom: OK good. Make sure she's a Leo.

I just can't get a break. OK enough ranting for now. Please know that the whole pregnancy thing is very unofficial and has yet to be confirmed with an ultrasound. So it's still hush-hush. So if you don't want to be the subject of a future rant on this blog, please keep that information to yourself.