Weeding

Historically, I don't have very good luck with friends. I'm a nice person, and I'm completely loyal to my friends, once they make it into my Inner Circle of Friends. But I seem to be constantly disappointed. I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but it's what's on my mind right now so that's what you're getting.

On my 18th birthday, I had the perfect day planned. I was supposed to spend the day with my best friend, who was coming home from college just for that, then the evening (and who knows what else) was to be spent with my boyfriend at the time. My two favorite people. Long story short, my best friend decided not to come, using schoolwork as an excuse, and the boyfriend cancelled at the last minute so he could go skiing with his best friend. Which is where he met the girl he later kind of dumped me for (long story, different post).

I didn't write either of them off completely at that point, but was similarly disappointed by both of them repeatedly in the future, so I lost contact with them.

A few years ago, my best friend was a girl I met through work named Wendy. She had her degree in dance and was extremely frustrated because she was working a crappy job at a crappy insurance company. She complained constantly about how much she hated her job, and how she wanted out, and I felt her pain. I had the same job, and it wasn't what I wanted to do, either. But at the time, I was studying to become a personal trainer and looking into options for going back to school to get a degree in something more interesting to me.

In my spare time I would look for dance teacher jobs for her. I found a bunch, too, and passed them along to her. I even helped her put together her resume for her, despite the fact that her husband worked in graphic design. But there was something wrong with every job I came up with. She never applied for a single one, and didn't go so far as to even look into any of them. This frustrated me. But she was still my friend.

Then she got involved in Mary Kay. I tried to support her as best I could, but it got to the point where the only time she would call me was to pressure me into buying stuff or hosting another party for her. She was calling my FRIENDS to pressure them into buying stuff and hosting parties! I held on for as long as I could, but it soon became obvious that all she cared about was Mary Kay. It got very awkward, and we also lost touch eventually.

We still have a mutual friend, Dana, who kept me posted on Wendy's status after we lost touch. The last I heard, Wendy was going through all of her friends, and "weeding out" the ones with "negative energy". This was long after she and I lost touch, so I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with me.

But sometimes I wish I could do that. I have so many friends who are more of a burden to me than a positive influence. I often wonder how my life would be if I could just sweep them away? Or, even better, not get rid of them as friends, but just not be so affected by their "negative energy", as Wendy called it.

I would love to be able to brush stupid things off with nothing more than a shrug, but I'm just not wired to do it. I just can't. Or I don't know how. So I talk with a friend who puts me down, and I am affected by it. I reach out to another friend and it's not reciprocated, and I am affected by it. I'm let down by a friend who cancels repeatedly when we have dinner plans, and it sticks with me. I feel bad.

So why, when I'm trying so hard to be a good friend, am I the one suffering? Why am I the one who feels like crap when I honestly don't think I did anything to deserve being pushed away or treated like someone who's not important?

I don't understand this game. I have one or two friends who are awesome and always come through for me and make me feel loved as much as I love them. So I know it can happen. But they're not enough for me- I'm one of those people who need to be in constant contact with at least some human being. Not necessarily the same person 24/7- I'm not high-maintenance!

So I can't go through all my friends and just write off the ones who bring me down. I guess I have to learn to change my way of thinking and learn how to let things slide off my back while taking it all in but not being affected by it. Any ideas on how I can learn to do that??