It's Relative. And Full of Ass.

I've been crazy busy lately trying to keep busy. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, wake up, eat, then sleep some more. In fact, if I could figure out a way to eat without waking up, I'd be a happy girl. But because the brat my daughter doesn't nap anymore, and I'm more or less a single mom during the week, and I have to be at work at 6am 3 days per week, I don't get nearly enough sleep.

I fell asleep the other night while SB and I were parked on the couch watching some Disney movie involving a princess. I think I zonked out around 7:30, and woke up around 8:30 to find SB had passed out as well. I tried to wake her up to bathe her, put her in her pj's or at least brush her teeth, but she went all Exorcist on me, with her eyes rolling back into her skull and muttering phrases I couldn't even begin to decipher. So I gave up and put her to bed fully dressed, skank-mouthed and dirty, praying that when she woke up at 3am all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, TB would take pity on me and wake up with her. Turns out she slept straight through until the morning. I, on the other hand, was up until well after midnight, thanks to my little nap.

So because I'm terrified of falling asleep on SB again (not literally on her, although I'd be lying if I said that's never happened), I've been dragging her to all sorts of pointless places just so I stay awake. Plus I want her to remember that we actually paid attention to her at some point in her life, since when the new baby comes, she'll probably not get as much attention.

Last week I picked her up from school and took her to Spring Meadows Farm. It's about 15 minutes from our house, and mostly a garden center, but has some animals like geese, goats, ponies and guinea hens you can feed. There was a donkey there, who was very happy to see me.

Is that your leg or are you just happy to see me? Luckily SB did not notice the Hornball Donkey's 5th appendage and question it.

This past weekend, I dragged my family to the Catoctin Zoo, which was waaaaaaay overpriced for what it was. But, in keeping with the Ass Theme, we met another interesting donkey. He was not quite as happy to see me as the other one, but he was a special donkey. Instead of 5 appendages, he only had 3.

You're probably wondering if something happened or if he was born that way. I had the perfect opportunity to ask, since the zoo lady who takes care of the donkey (and the lioness) was standing right next to me, but I couldn't bring myself to ask because I was worried the answer might depress me. So we will probably never know.

The Catoctin Zoo had plaques at each station with facts about the animal- its natural habitat, where it comes from, what it eats, etc. So it was a learning experience. And I'm bringing that learning experience to you. Here's what a fat pregnant woman who had to bring her daughter to the Port-a-Potty (which is a feat in and of itself, trying not to get her to touch anything at all with any part of her body whatsoever) looks like when she leaves the Port-a-Potty and walks right into her caring, obviously suicidal husband taking a picture of her.

The lesson? Don't ever take a photo of someone in that situation. Ever.

After the Zoo, TB had to head to Winchester for a gig so SB and I stopped at my mom's, because I was out of ideas as to how to entertain her for the remainder of the day. Another learning experience.

Remember the creepy balls of hair I found in a box of stuff my mom had brought me? I've discovered it's her hair. And I know this because while we were in the basement, my mom and SB disappeared into the storage section and SB came running out a moment later and threw this braid of hair at me.

A braid. Of human hair. Of MY hair.

Gross.

My hair was always very thick and very curly, and extremely long. Like down to my butt long. If I left it down, my back got very hot, plus it would end up extremely tangled, so my mom always put it in a braid. I got it cut right before 7th grade, up to my shoulders and my mom, being a sentimental freak with an obsession with headless human hair, kept the hair. In a braid. In her basement.

And my daughter found it and thought it was absolutely hysterical to throw this hair at me and laugh maniacally at my reaction, which was absolute disgust. I'd gingerly pick it up and throw it back at her.

This morbid game went on for a good 10 minutes before I got really grossed out and threw The Braid behind a bookshelf.

Game over.